What, me worry??For a number of months, I have heard the Lord tell me in my spirit, "Daughter, I love you. Don't worry!"
Okay, so he did not call me "daughter", he called me by name, and he is working on this deeply rooted habit of thought in my spirit, this habit of worry.
I often have this vague physical sensation, that is so familiar, that I did not even have a name for it. I have thought these thoughts and felt these emotions that gives rise to this unpleasant physical state so often for so long that I did not think to examine it and give it a name. Until I realized that it was paralyzing me and keeping me from moving forward and doing anything constructive, from dishes and laundry, to blogging or sculpting, or building my studio or landscaping and gardening, to making phone calls or paying bills, or making any firm decisions and taking action on them. I was feeling that tightness in my chest, the shallow breathing, weakness, fatigue-- and all of it welled up out of nowhere when I had felt fine moments before-- and I asked God to tell me what it was because I knew this physical state was keeping me from just walking in peace and joy and doing what I wanted to do and knew what necessary and right. It was anxiety, it was self-doubt, uncertainty, it was the unfounded fear of "what if I get this itty bitty decision wrong? what happens if I get it wrong??" Plain and simple, it was Worry.
I have felt worried about so many things for so long, I cannot even remember a time in my childhood when I did not worry. I think I may have come out of the womb worrying. I have heard it said that a mother's stressful emotions bathe her unborn child in stress hormones in the womb. My mother had had a miscarriage a few months before I was conceived, and among other things, she was worried about the pregnancy as she carried me in the womb. So there you have it, I could very well have been biologically stewed in hormones preparing me, inciting me to worry from my first awareness at or before birth.
However, biology alone does not determine my calling or destiny. My Creator, my heavenly Father, Abba calls me by name to be more like him, to be the daughter I would have been in Eden walking with him in the cool of the day, hearing his voice, seeking his face, worshipping him, understanding his will and exercising dominion in the earth. Abba, the King of kings, Jesus, the Prince of peace, and Holy Spirit, the Spirit of peace, all that is the triune godhead calls me to walk in dominion in the peace that passes understanding no matter my circumstances. The peace that passes understanding is a far cry from worrying about anything.
Abba and I have been working on this worry thing from a different angle than I would have suggested. I would think that the best way to teach someone not to worry is to keep every major life issue under control, up to date, in order, safe and sound with predictable security for the forseeable future... but I am not the perfect, all-knowing, wise and loving Father, and he had quite a different plan for teaching me not to worry. His plan was, and I quote, "Everything in your life that can be shaken will be shaken." (hmmmmm... okay. ummmm. should I be asking what that means??) Actually, things had started shaking months before he gave me that word. So many things had already been shaken and were still shaking or at least a little shaky, that I thought I was just getting the post-script on what had already occurred. Nope, nothing doing. That was just his reassurance that what was about to transpire was well within his control and his purpose for my life. Then the real shaking began. Then I thought I was going to crumble. I thought I was going to buckle and break, but God...
but God is good;
but God is great;
but God is gracious;
but God is faithful;
but God is forgiving;
but God is there in the midst of trial and pain and suffering and lack and want and confusion...
and He is the God who Sees me;
His banner over me is Love;
He heals all my diseases;
He is there, he sees, he loves, he heals, he provides, and then he is still there;
when everything that can be shaken is shaken, HE is still there by my side.
He still loves us and still has a plan for our lives.
And it's going to be glorious...
so why worry about this little thing? or even a big thing?
So just do what he has called us to do and he will do the rest that no one else can.
Hear him now: "Son, daughter, I love you. Don't worry. I am here."
He loves us. Don't worry. Just go do the thing he has called you to do.